A New Form of Waiting: Building Chemistry Over Time

Geplaatst op 10-12-2025

We live in a sped-up society. Nowadays, everything is fast and the order of the day is instant gratification. And in no arena does this way of life hold more true than dating.

Dating is what we do before we decide to sleep with someone. Then, after that, it could still be dating, but we can also say we're sleeping with someone. And for some of us, there is no such formality, we're just sleeping with someone, not even dating them.

This is why women must rethink their own rules on waiting. I'm not saying there should be no such thing as making a man wait. I respect any woman who wants to take her time, but, I also respect any woman who doesn't want to take her time. I respect them both, equally. As a matter of fact, no respect is earned or lost by the simple act of sleeping with me, period, so let's just get that out of the way right now.

Whether a woman does it now or chooses to do it later, there is no judgment being made based on the time she makes me wait before we sleep together. True judgment lies not in the time frame, but in the bed frame. Allow me to explain.

The Performance Pressure On First Encounters

I don't care if we have first date sex, or one month anniversary sex. The first time a woman sleeps with me, she should not (and I am going to repeat this in all caps so everyone understands this) SHE SHOULD NOT act like her life depends on the quality of her performance.

I'm the type of guy who cares greatly about my sexual performance, but over the years, I have become mature enough to know sometimes the greatest sex isn't determined by physical acts alone. A lot of it is based on chemistry, and chemistry, the first time two people have sex, is a rare thing. Most times it takes some time to build. So now my philosophy is less about being the best she ever had the first go round, and more about being good enough to have sex again, maybe in 20 minutes or so. Handling awkward moments gracefully during intimate encounters matters more than perfect execution.

But some women never cease to amaze me with the way they go all out the very first time they lay down with a man. This isn't something experienced just by me. I know a lot of men who feel the same way. The type of woman who wants to pull out her entire bag of tricks the very first time she sleeps with me, is the type of woman I'm looking at differently afterwards.

Don't get me wrong, men appreciate the gesture(s), but we also appreciate pacing, at least some of us do. The fact is, I want to have sex whenever she's ready, but our first time having sex should leave some room to evolve. Unless this is just a one night type of thing, but I think I would know that and honestly, I'm still not going to be pulling out my entire bag of tricks either. I'm probably going to do just enough to stay on her brain for the next week or so. But if it's not a one night stand thing, if we aren't talking a movie, and we are talking television series, then let's build here, baby. We don't have to take out the Kama Sutra tonight, do we? And what is Tantric? A video game?

The Case For Gradual Evolution And Long-Term Potential

As for what is designated as doing too much the first night, I don't really know, but a good way to determine it would be something like this: Think of all the nasty, inappropriate things you did in your last relationship, and just don't do those the next time you have sex with someone for the first time.

In college, I dated a girl who had one of the nicest derrieres the world had ever seen. I know this because whenever I would walk somewhere with her, guys would say things like, "That is one of the nicest derrieres the world has ever seen." And I remember the first time we had sex I of course tried to get some action from the angle any man would want if he were having sex with a woman who had a backside like my woman did. She wasn't going for it. Now of course I respected her wishes, but I was also curious as to why she wouldn't want to have sex in this position, secretly hoping it was not because she didn't like it, which is what I offered up as a possible reason. "Oh no," she said. "I love that position. But I know how bad you want it from that position, and you're just going to have to wait."

I waited and if I recall correctly, around the third or fourth time we hooked up (please note, when I say wait, I don't mean anything past the fifth time. By the fifth time a woman has sex with me, I'm giving my all and so she should be doing the same thing), I got my wish and from that point on, I got my wish often. I got my wish so often you would think I found a genie in a bottle and my first wish was more wishes, but that's neither here nor there. Building chemistry takes time and patience beyond initial attraction.

The fact is, women can make a man wait for sex, but after that, they should make a man wait for better sex, not because it makes them holier than though, and puts them on a pedestal. That's nonsense. They should make him wait for better sex because managing expectations reduces dating stress for both partners over time. A man like me is making a woman wait for better sex. Do I want to be good? Hell, girl, yes, as a matter of fact, I want to be great. But we have some time for that. Don't we?